I’m Great at Making Money But Terrible at Saving It—A Financial Therapist Helped Me Understand Why
The alert was a faint buzz against my palm, a vibration I almost missed in the hushed, minimalist sanctuary of the boutique. On the polished concrete floor sat a pair of handcrafted leather boots I had been coveting for weeks. They were impractical, exquisitely made, and carried a price tag that was, objectively, absurd. As I reached for my wallet, my phone buzzed again. It was my bank: Low Balance Alert. My stomach dropped.
From the outside, my life was the portrait of success. I had a job title that sounded impressive at dinner parties, an apartment in a desirable neighborhood, and an income well north of $300,000 a year. My social media feed was a curated gallery of achievements: Michelin-starred meals, spontaneous weekend trips, and the very boots I was now holding.
But behind the digital facade was a secret I guarded with shame: I was financially drowning. My savings account was a joke, my credit card debt was climbing at an alarming rate, and a constant, low-grade hum of anxiety was the soundtrack to my life. The question echoed in my mind, a frantic, repeating loop: How can I be earning this much money and still feel this financially fragile?
The Diagnosis – Unpacking My Money Story
The Turning Point: When Spreadsheets Aren’t Enough
Before seeking help, I tried everything the personal finance blogs recommended. I downloaded sleek budgeting apps, their colorful interfaces promising a new era of control, only to ignore their notifications after a week. I created intricate spreadsheets with dozens of categories, which served only to document my failures in excruciating detail, inducing a fresh wave of guilt each month.
I tried to “brute force” my savings, setting aggressive, arbitrary goals that I would inevitably break, leading to a cycle of restriction and rebellion. The breaking point came when I realized the problem wasn’t the math. I knew how to add and subtract. The problem was my mindset. No spreadsheet could fix the knot of anxiety in my stomach or the compulsive urge to spend after a stressful day. That’s when I typed “financial therapist” into a search engine.
Introducing Financial Therapy
My first session was a revelation. I expected to be handed a budget and a lecture. Instead, the therapist, a calm and empathetic woman named Dr. Evans, asked me about my childhood. She asked what my parents taught me about money, what my first money memory was, and how I felt when I spent money. We didn’t look at a single number for the entire hour.
This is the core of financial therapy, a field that bridges the gap between financial planning and mental health. As one expert, Erika Wasserman, puts it, financial advisors work on the “dollars and cents,” while financial therapy works on your “other senses, like sleepless nights and family conflicts”. It’s an insight-oriented process that addresses one’s relationship with money on a deep level, creating a “shame-free, judgment-free” space to explore the thoughts and behaviors that drive financial decisions. It operates on the premise that our financial lives are a direct reflection of our internal, psychological state.
To clarify the distinction, the roles can be broken down as follows:
Financial Advisor vs. Financial Therapist
Which one do you need? Click to explore the two roles.
- Primary Focus: The “how-to” of money: investment strategy, retirement planning, tax optimization, estate planning.
- Core Question: “What is the most efficient way to deploy your capital to meet your goals?”
- Methodology: Data analysis, financial modeling, portfolio management, product recommendations.
- Typical Outcome: A comprehensive financial plan, an optimized investment portfolio, a strategy for wealth accumulation.
- Primary Focus: The “why” behind money behaviors: beliefs, emotions, family history, trauma, and relationship dynamics.
- Core Question: “What is your relationship with money and how is it impacting your well-being?”
- Methodology: Psychotherapy techniques, exploring “money scripts,” identifying emotional triggers, couples counseling.
- Typical Outcome: Healthier money habits, reduced financial anxiety, improved communication with partners, resolution of self-sabotaging behaviors.
The Revelation: Uncovering “Money Scripts” and Emotional Triggers
Through my sessions, Dr. Evans helped me uncover the invisible forces that had been controlling my financial life for decades. She introduced me to the concept of “money scripts”—unconscious beliefs about money that are developed in childhood and drive our adult financial behaviors. My script, we discovered, was: “Money is a source of stress and conflict, so spend it quickly to get a moment of relief.” I grew up in a home where my parents, despite being financially stable, argued constantly about money. To me, money wasn’t a tool for security; it was a catalyst for anxiety. Spending became my escape.
This directly fed into my pattern of emotional spending. After a grueling week at work or a personal disappointment, I’d seek solace in a new purchase. This behavior is incredibly common; a 2025 survey found that 63% of Americans admit their emotions influence their purchases. That figure is even higher for high earners, with 72% of those with six-figure incomes reporting the same vulnerability. Dr. Evans explained the neuroscience behind it: when we make a purchase, our brain releases dopamine, the “feel-good” neurotransmitter, providing a temporary high that masks underlying feelings of stress, sadness, or boredom. I was using shopping as an unregulated form of self-medication.
We also discussed the unique psychology of high earners. Studies suggest that wealth can sometimes cloud moral judgment and foster a sense of entitlement, making it easier to justify extravagant spending. Furthermore, many high earners operate with an overconfidence in their future earnings, believing that their high income is a renewable resource that will always be there, which can lead to reckless spending in the present.
The biggest epiphany was this: my inability to save wasn’t a character flaw. It wasn’t a lack of discipline or intelligence. It was a symptom of unaddressed emotional patterns and a deeply ingrained money script I never knew I had. Financial problems, I was learning, aren’t just wallet problems; they are mental health problems. My journey wasn’t about becoming “better with money.” It was about healing my relationship with it.
The Treatment – Rewriting the Script and Building a New System
The New Philosophy: From Deprivation to Intention with Values-Based Budgeting
Dr. Evans dismissed my old, restrictive budgets immediately. “Deprivation doesn’t work,” she said. “It creates a scarcity mindset that leads to rebellion.” Instead, she introduced me to values-based budgeting, a transformative approach that aligns your spending and saving with what you truly care about in life. The goal isn’t to spend less; it’s to spend better.
The process was straightforward but profound:
Identify Core Values: I spent an entire session identifying my top three core values. It wasn’t about generic words but getting specific about what they meant to me.19 I landed on: Freedom (the ability to control my time and make choices without financial constraint), Connection (nurturing relationships with family and friends), and Growth (learning new skills and having new experiences).
Audit Spending: I analyzed three months of my spending. The disconnect was jarring. Thousands of dollars went to impulse purchases, overpriced convenience, and status symbols that had nothing to do with Freedom, Connection, or Growth.
Create a “Values-Based Plan”: We didn’t call it a budget. It was a plan to fund the life I wanted. Saving was no longer about deprivation; it was about buying my future freedom. Spending on a trip with my parents wasn’t an indulgence; it was an investment in Connection. This reframed my entire financial world. As author Morgan Housel writes, money’s greatest value is “its ability to give you control over your time”. My new plan was designed to do exactly that.
A High-Earner’s Toolkit: Strategic and Automated
With a new philosophy in place, we built a system of practical, high-impact strategies tailored to my income level.
Combating Lifestyle Creep: I adopted the “50% Rule.” I committed to automatically allocating half of every future raise, bonus, or other income increase directly to savings and investments. This simple rule allows for some lifestyle improvement while ensuring my savings rate accelerates faster than my spending.
Automating Wealth Creation: We designed a “waterfall” of automatic monthly transfers that put my savings on autopilot.
Maxing out Tax-Advantaged Accounts: The first dollars from every paycheck now go toward maxing out my tax-advantaged accounts. This includes contributing the 2025 maximum of $23,500 to my traditional 401(k) to lower my taxable income, executing a “Backdoor Roth IRA” contribution since my income is too high for direct contributions, and fully funding my Health Savings Account (HSA) to take advantage of its unique triple tax benefits (tax-deductible contributions, tax-free growth, and tax-free withdrawals for medical expenses).
Creating “Sinking Funds”: The next transfers go to several dedicated high-yield savings accounts (where interest rates can be as high as 5.00% APY ), each named for a specific, value-aligned goal. I now have a “Freedom Fund” (my emergency and opportunity fund), a “Travel Fund” (for Growth), and a “Generosity Fund” (for Connection). Seeing these accounts grow is infinitely more satisfying than any impulse purchase.
Spending with Intention: For my discretionary spending, I adopted the “Marie Kondo Approach”. Before making a non-essential purchase, I pause and ask myself two questions: “Does this align with one of my core values?” and “Will this spark lasting joy?” This simple check-in has transformed shopping from a reactive, emotional habit into a mindful, intentional choice.
The Digital Support System
I deleted my old budgeting apps and replaced them with a new suite of tools designed to support my new mindset.
For Emotional Awareness: I started using MoodWallet. Its simple daily check-ins prompt me to connect my purchases to my feelings, helping me identify my emotional spending triggers in real-time without shame or judgment.
For Intentional Planning: I adopted YNAB (You Need A Budget). Its core philosophy of “give every dollar a job” is the perfect digital implementation of my values-based plan. It forces me to be proactive and intentional with my money, which is especially powerful for managing the complexity of a high income and preventing lifestyle creep.
For Interrupting Impulses: For moments of weakness, especially when scrolling online, I use an app called ShoppingDetox. It uses AI-powered mentors to help me pause and rethink an impulse purchase before I click “buy”.
Through this process, I learned a crucial lesson: systems are stronger than willpower. I didn’t succeed because I suddenly became a person of iron-clad discipline. I succeeded because I built a system—a combination of a clear philosophy, powerful automation, and supportive technology—that protected me from my own worst impulses and made my desired behaviors the path of least resistance. It automated my success.
The Journey Forward – Living a Richer Life
Last week, after a particularly brutal day of back-to-back meetings, I found myself scrolling through my phone, my thumb hovering over an ad for a ridiculously expensive watch. The old urge flared up—the desire for a quick hit of dopamine, a material reward for my hard work. But this time, something was different.
I paused. I opened my YNAB app and looked at the money allocated to my “Freedom Fund.” I thought about what that fund represented: the ability to one day take a sabbatical, to be less dependent on a job that could be so draining, to have control over my time. I closed the ad. The feeling wasn’t deprivation. It was power. It was the quiet confidence of someone who is finally in control of their own economic life, a transformation echoed in the success stories of those who have sought financial counseling and moved from despair to stability.
My entire definition of wealth has shifted. I am saving more money than I ever thought possible, yet my life feels more abundant, not less. My spending is now concentrated on the things that truly matter to me, and the joy I get from those experiences is deeper and more lasting than any material possession. I finally understand what Morgan Housel meant when he wrote, “Wealth is hidden. It’s income not spent. Wealth is an option not yet taken to buy something later. Its value lies in offering you options, flexibility, and growth”. True wealth isn’t the number on my paycheck; it’s the degree of alignment between my money and my life. It is the peace of mind that comes from financial wellness, which is about far more than just financial independence.
This journey is ongoing. The old scripts and triggers don’t vanish overnight. But now, I have the awareness to recognize them and the system to navigate them. My relationship with money is no longer a source of shame and anxiety; it’s a practice of intention and self-care. For anyone who feels trapped in the six-figure paradox, know this: true financial freedom is available. It begins not with a bigger salary or a better spreadsheet, but with the courageous decision to understand the “why” behind your financial life. It starts in your mind.
Your Financial Wellness Toolkit
A curated list of resources to help you begin your own journey toward a healthier relationship with money.
To Read (Transform Your Mindset)
The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel: An essential read on the timeless lessons of the behavioral side of wealth and happiness.
The Financial Anxiety Solution by Lindsay Bryan-Podvin: A practical workbook from a leading financial therapist designed to help you stop stressing about money.
Your Money or Your Life by Vicki Robin: A classic guide for aligning your finances with your personal values to achieve true financial independence.
I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi: A no-nonsense, highly practical guide to building automated systems for wealth, widely recommended in online finance communities.
To Listen (Deepen Your Understanding)
The Financial Therapy Podcast with Rick Kahler, CFP®, CFT™: A podcast that expertly blends practical financial advice with the deep emotional insights that drive our decisions.
To Use (Build Your System)
Mindful Spending: MoodWallet helps you connect spending to emotions. ShoppingDetox helps you interrupt impulse purchases.
Values-Based Budgeting: YNAB (You Need A Budget) is a powerful tool for giving every dollar a job and managing financial complexity.
Couples Finance: Honeydue is designed specifically for partners to manage finances together transparently.
To Find Help (Connect with a Professional)
Financial Therapy Association (FTA): Provides a directory of certified financial therapists who specialize in the intersection of money and mental health.
Association for Financial Counseling and Planning Education (AFCPE): A resource to find an Accredited Financial Counselor® (AFC®), a fiduciary professional who can help you build a sustainable foundation for financial well-being.
National Foundation for Credit Counseling (NFCC): Connects you with certified nonprofit credit counselors who can help create a personalized action plan, especially for managing debt.
